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This Thing Called Marriage!
Marriage, marriage, oh marriage, this thing called marriage can make or break you if you lack knowledge and wisdom. If like me you are wanting to learn more about this mystery called marriage, why many marriages are failing or struggling and divorce rates soaring even among Christians, and what can be done to save marriages (yours and others) then keep reading.
Having been married 13 years now (woohoo) I believe there are some things I have learnt that can help many others do better in their marriages. My marriage isn’t perfect yet but it is not where it used to be, it gets better everyday. I learnt these things late in marriage after many many frustrations and almost ready to give up on my marriage. Oh yes! That’s when I started to investigate the reason for marital issues and high divorce rates among Christians.
I kept praying because I did not understand why Christian marriages should fail. I continued praying and asking God to help be not to be another statistic. Bishops, pastors and many great respectable men of God have been divorced and many more wanting divorce due to a struggling marriage.
I wanted to know why this was happening and how can I stop my marriage and others from failing because nothing is impossible to God. If we believe God to heal the sick, raise the dead, and perform other miracles why can’t this same God save our marriages. This was the beginning of my quest to finding marital freedom.
Marriage Is Like Christ And The Church, And Satan Hates Both.
Marriage is a beautiful union that is compared to the relationship between Christ and the Church according to Ephesians 5:33. Marriage is God’s idea and started in the garden of Eden and everything God made was good. Marriage should therefore not become a prison where people can’t wait to get out but should be a palace where the wife is treated like a queen and the husband feels like a king.
Marriage is not a master and servant relationship. Marriage is a partnership or friendship which is to be enjoyed not endured. Marriage is work, and so it requires work for it to work. Failing to work on our marriages means our marriages will fail.
Soaring Divorce Rates Among Christians
I have always wondered what makes Christian couples divorce! Some ‘worldly’ marriages are doing far better than many Christian marriages. It baffles me anytime I hear about the divorce of a Christian marriage especially when the couples are church leaders, pastors, bishops etc, that many people look up to.
I am not perfect and I understand that nobody is perfect. Marriage therefore is a union of two imperfect people coming together to go on life’s journey and so it is possible that offence will occur, however as Christians, we understand that love covers multitude of sins, right? So, couples should be able to forgive and love each other and continue with their marriages.
It sounds very easy and simple doesn’t it? So back to the question!
Why Do Most Christian Marriages Fail?
Many Christian marriages are either deeply troubled or at the point of breaking and needing restoration.
So why do we have many problems in our marriages? What will cause a Christian to divorce his or her spouse? What sin will the other commit that will be greater than what we have been forgiven by God that we cannot forgive our spouses but rather divorce them. Here are some reasons why marriages fail or are struggling.
Lack of marital knowledge
Marriage is as much spiritual as it is physical. Let’s not forget that the devil who is an anti-Christ is always against Jesus Christ and anything related to Christ and so it is not surprising that he attacks many marriages especially Christian marriages. This is not to deny the fact that most Christian couples lack the necessary knowledge and wisdom required for a successful marriage hence the devil takes advantage of their ignorance and attacks their marriages.
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.
Hosea 4:6
Because you have rejected knowledge,
I also will reject you from being priest for Me;
Because you have forgotten the law of your God,
I also will forget your children.
I do not have a perfect husband nor a perfect marriage but I would like to protect my marriage from becoming another statistic. I do not think divorce just happens, everything is going on well in a marriage and all of a sudden a spouse wants out.
No! it doesn’t happen like that. No one will want to leave a happy and peaceful marriage unless influenced by other external forces (spiritually or psychologically). It doesn’t make sense so there must be underlying issues, unresolved issues, moles that became mountains etc.
We need to obtain marital knowledge both pre marital and post marital in order to have successful marriages. Anyone who stops learning stops growing. Knowledge is power and having the right marital information positions us in the right place for success. Ignorance about the needs of your spouse and how to fulfil your responsibilities as a spouse leads to unnecessary frustrations which can ruin the marriage in the long term. So lets not ignore the little foxes that destroy the vine.
Inability to leave and cleave
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
Marriage is not for boys, yes I said it! Marriage is for men. Boys stay with their parents and cannot detach from them. Boys are not able to think for themselves without involving their parents. If you are dependent on your parents financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically etc then you need to grow up, mature into manhood before you decide to marry. Otherwise you will trouble someone’s daughter and think she is rather the problem. This is one of the many problems we have in society now.
Boys are doing what men should be doing and bringing many afflictions on themselves and the innocent children that result from this relationships. The scripture (Genesis 2:24) makes it clear that it is a man that shall leave his father and mother not a boy as a boy is dependent on his parents.
A man is ready for marriage when he is independent of his parents financially, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically etc. Such a man will be able to cleave to his wife to start his own family as God intended it.
That said, it is also important to note that the father and mother figure that a man must leave can be siblings and friends in some cases especially if these people were the ones that were close to the man when growing up. You cannot expect a successful marriage when you remain attached to a friend or a sibling. Your wife is the only person you should cleave to that is why God in his wisdom made it clear from the beginning that there must be a leaving and cleaving to the wife.
Share your visions, dreams, ideas, sorrows, joys etc with your wife not outsiders. Let your wife feel that she is indeed part of you, that you are one. People outside should not know things about you that your spouse doesn’t know. It’s a sign of mistrust, dishonesty and disrespect to your spouse and it can be very embarrassing when people tell you things about your spouse that they know and expect you to know but you didn’t know.
What then is the purpose of your spouse in the marriage? Many women are frustrated because their husbands spend and share most part of their lives with other people instead of with them. This is sure to break any marriage as it results in disunity and kills the love in the marriage.
So husbands get rid of any unhealthy relationships that is threatening you cleaving onto your wife. This is so important for unity and oneness which results in productivity.
Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.
Matthew 18:19
Hardness Of Heart Lead To Divorce
The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry
Matthew 19:3-10
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Proverbs 4:23
Let us not allow the devil to harden our hearts. Let us pray for a heart of flesh that is willing to obey God, to love and forgive our spouses as God loves and forgives us.
If your marriage will succeed or fail, if you will hold onto offence and have unforgiveness and bitterness, whatever you decide to do right now all comes from the heart.
Lack Of Spirituality/Prayer
Marriage as stated in the beginning is a mystery, spiritual project, a ministry and system that God set up to continue to bring godly children into society and thereby transform communities and nations. The devil is also busy using all means to fight against this agenda. The devil wants people to say that God’s system of marriage doesn’t work, the devil will do everything and anything to break marriages or make you regret marrying which is very dangerous because you begin to spread that negativity to other singles who want to get married. You will start advising them against marriage based on your bitter experience instead of giving biblical advice.
We cannot relax and be prayerless in our marriages and hope it will just flourish. You cannot put your marriage on auto-pilot. No, the devil wants to steal, kill and to destroy your marriage, resist him with prayer.
Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.
Ephesians 6:10-16
Those Who Marry Will Have Troubles!
But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.
1 Corinthians 7:28
As the scripture has said, problems awaits those who marry. This is a revelation that those wanting to marry should know prior to entering into it. They should sit down and consider the kind of problems that may arise in their marriage and seek to find solutions to it. Marriage is therefore going to be two imperfect people coming together to solve each others problems and the problems they both create as a result of their union.
There is no marriage without problems, being able to identify the problems is the first step to solving them. Jesus did warn us that in this world we will have troubles, so unmarried people have their own troubles and marriage comes with its own troubles to add to it. Therefore we must count the cost and our ability/stamina to handle these problems otherwise they will chase us out of our marriages.
This is the reason why being prayerful is very important.
Until I bring you the next part of this article which will focus on the types of problems that could arise in a marriage and how to handle them, stay blessed and stay married. You can do it, don’t be another statistic for the devil. Glorify God with your marriage.
